When the Giants Come to Town, It's Bye-Bye Baby

12.18.2007
A Brief Statement

I am here to say before this congregation of friends, family, readers and fans, to all who have placed their faith in me, that I have made a terrible mistake. When I erred in judgment four years ago I was wrong. I was struggling with carpal tunnel syndrome and a totally gnarly hangover, and I turned to the dark side to inflate my word counts.

I injected human gerund hormone a few times, but it didn’t exactly work, if by “work” you mean “work under current regulations,” and I stopped immediately. I also felt kind of dirty. The next time I needed a shot of syntax, I tried it again even though it didn’t really sort of work depending on how you look at it.

If you’re thinking of doing it, don’t. Please. And don’t do steroids, although I didn’t do them either. Ick. Steroids. No matter how much you want to be a popular, respected baseball blogger like me with thousands of adoring readers, it’s not worth it. I was desperate, and now, despite the popularity, wealth, respect and awards, not to mention the lascivious sexual favors from the legions of hot blogger groupies, I am embarrassed.

I strayed from the righteous path, but I have seen the error of my ways. I admit it now and pray that you find forgiveness in your hearts. I love blogging and have worked religiously to build a franchise of integrity and values. I piously hope my good word has not been too tainted by this unholy incident. I am human — just a man, naked before Google — and I make mistakes. I can only hope your judgment of me is not final, as there is only One who has the power of final judgment.

Oh, and I’m also firing my agent. He’s an asshole.



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[December 18, 2007 4:22 PM]  |  link  |  reply
rocketdog said

Ha. No Blogging Hall of Fame for you, cheater.

[December 18, 2007 4:33 PM]  |  link  |  reply
bigO said

*EL Lefty Malo

[December 19, 2007 1:34 AM]  |  link  |  reply
someguynamedg said

I actually laughed out loud when I read this. Well done Lefty.

[December 19, 2007 5:53 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Anonymous said

Of course you are forgiven. Barry Bonds, like your agent, is an A-hole, so he is not forgiven. He and his steroid use will be the subject of 90% of my comments

[December 19, 2007 10:23 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Bob Henley said

Awesome post, Lefty...made me laugh out loud...and yes, fire your asshole agent!