When the Giants Come to Town, It's Bye-Bye Baby

02.11.2008
Hot Giant-on-Giant Action Part 2, or, Hugo's There?

As my old friend Jimmy used to say, “Ahhhh yeah.” Maybe he still does, but from what I hear he spends most of the day battling the Governator, which doesn’t allow a man much time to kick off the Chuck Taylors, fire-start the backyard grill, and shove a beer can in the business end of a chicken.

No matter. Even a partizan needs his diversions. Let’s amuse ourselves with the second in our series of hot, sweaty roster battles among San Francisco Giants. Last week we brought you Lewis v. Schierholtz for 5th outfielder. This week, clear your calendars, it’s time for

E-Alf v. G-Rod: Battle of the Whalin’ Venezuelans

The backup catcher position is key, amigos y amigas. Even if Bengie Molina equals his career high of 134 games, whoever squats behind him will start 30 games. Forty, even 50, is more realistic.

In their respective stints, Eliezer Alfonzo and Guillermo Rodriguez have done most of what a backup catcher should do. In his half-year of headlining the gig in ‘06, Alfonzo displayed uncannily Molina-ish offensive numbers: .302 OBP / .465 SLG. A higher OBP would be nice, but that’s like asking your backup catcher to recite a little Shakespeare on the side. (Josh Bard is about the closest you’ll get.)

Unfortunately, E-Alf’s 2007 was cut short with knee surgery before we could find out if he could repeat his not-badness, and G-Rod stepped in and generally adhered to the backup catcher’s oath, “First, do no harm unless you’re dizzy from heat stroke in Chicago.”

With each guy providing such small major-league sample sizes, it’s kind of silly to tease out relevant data points. That hasn’t stopped me.

* Alfonzo allowed 75% of baserunners steal against him in 2006. In 12 games in 2007, however, that rate dropped to 69%. Rodriguez threw out 5 of 17 stealers last year, or 71%. Advantage: Alfonzo.  

* Rodriguez’s middle name is “Segundo,” which means “second” in Spanish. This could be confusing when his teammates yell, “Throw to second!” Alfonzo’s middle name is “Jesus,” which means “Jesus” in Spanish. This could distract opposing Christian evangelical batters. Advantage: Alfonzo.

* Alfonzo was MVP of the Venezuelan winter league this year. Rodriguez was “Most OK Backup Catcher.” Advantage, again: Alfonzo. 

Bottom line: Alfonzo should be the choice, not just for his more potent bat and his intimidating middle name, but he would also ensure that the Giants are granted an exemption if Hugo Chavez ends Venezuelan oil shipments to the U.S. 

Deny fuel to the reigning MVP? Not even a tyrant would do such a thing! The lights will stay on at Mays Field while the rest of the country is blacked out, and Brian Sabean will regain the trade leverage that he’s worked so hard to piss away the past few years. 

“Jonathan Sanchez for David Wright? No? How about Sanchez and forty barrels of light sweet crude, Omar? I’ll wait while you run the numbers on your electricity-free abacus. No rush.”  
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[February 11, 2008 6:14 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Frank said

Not that Rodriguez didn't, but Alfonzo seemed to show a little more 'rise to the ocassion of being in the bigs' than did Rodriguez. Plus, didn't he lose his season with a pretty gutsy and technically sound play?

[February 11, 2008 8:22 PM]  |  link  |  reply
tk said

NIcknames: Notgardo vs. Grod. Advantage: Alfonzo.

Not only that, but he's got the best adopted mom in the history of mankind. ... er, I mean. He's good.

[February 11, 2008 10:24 PM]  |  link  |  reply
ELM said

"adopted mom" -- sounds like a band name.

Or: "Hey, Ted, your adopted mom is kinda hot." "Shut up, Bill!"

[February 12, 2008 12:48 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Evan said

GRod's nickname should be Notnotgardo.

[February 12, 2008 3:29 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Jefferson said

Hey, can Hugo Chavez play third base? No? Too old? Oh, not Chavez, but the "can he play third" joke is too old?

Okay.

I, too, would rather see Eliezer as the backup catcher. Just the name "Eliezer" makes him sounds like a roaming loner who quietly and brutally saves the dusty town from the bandits.

[February 12, 2008 7:24 PM]  |  link  |  reply
tk said

Lefty -- that wasn't a typo -- he adopted ME. I had no choice in the matter.