No doubt you already know that Noah Lowry had a horrific day yesterday that has led to whispers of “Steve Blass Disease” around the desert.
But you probably didn’t know that Chicago White Sox GM Kenny Williams made an imaginary visit to Scottsdale Stadium yesterday. Let’s eavesdrop as Williams and Brian Sabean head back to Sabes’ box seats from the concession stand. Williams sips a 64–ounce rum-and-Coke Sabes just bought for him, and Sabes picks pink tufts from a beehive of cotton candy.
BS: Boy-o-boy, Kenny, you couldn’t ask for a nicer day, huh?
KW: No doubt, Sabes, no doubt. So who’s pitching today for you guys?
BS [Cranes his neck around two tourists from Kenosha]: Looks like…um…yeesh. How’s your drink, Kenny?
KW: Mmm. Great. Are you sure there’s no alcohol in here? It kinda tastes like rum.
BS: I told you, man, it’s all the nice rummy flavor without the actual booze. You can drink it all day in the hot sun without getting loopy. We call it “Swagger Juice.”
KW: Isn’t that Noah Lowry on the mound? That’s the guy you keep mentioning in trade talks, right? Watch out!! [Williams grabs Sabean by the mullet and yanks him to the ground as a baseball whizzes over their heads.]
BS: That’s, uh, Lowry’s stunt double. It’s a new promotion we’re doing, a kind of celebrity impersonation meets fantasy camp. Remember Matty Williams doing his Babe Ruth thing every spring? Like that, but with people who aren’t really baseball players. I guess that’s pretty obvious. I mean, this guy isn’t anything like Lowry, in terms of, you know, impeccable lefty control and high correlative pit…pitcha…pitchability. But we’re all having fun. Fun fun fun.
KW: Pitcha what?
BS: Pitchability. It’s one of those new computer stats. That’s all we use nowadays to measure a guy’s underlying statistical thingies. Lowry’s is off the charts.
KW [Swaying slightly back and forth]: Mmm-hmm. Matty Williams, what a gamer, man. I’d trade for that guy inna innstint. Hey, hows bout a refill of me old yo ho ho Swigging Juice? This schtuff is grame.
BS: Coming right up, Big Ken-Dog. Now, uh, about this trade — look out!! [the two hit the floor again as another ball sails over the backstop and past their heads] — let’s get some fresh air across the street at the Starbucks. This promotional thing is distracting us from getting business done.
***
And finally, a tailor-made fill-in-the-quote contest, courtesy of today’s Merc:
Pitching coach Dave Righetti told KNBR that Armando Benitez recently called him and said he wanted to re-sign with the Giants. "I said, 'No, are you out of your mind?' " Righetti said.
And Mando replied: ________________.
