So the big news today is that Will Clark is rejoining the Giants as a special assistant? As the young Clark himself might have said, "!@%$^&*$#%&*!" But I'd be much more thrilled if he were coming back as the starting first baseman.
These are the doldrums, my friends, so let's have a big steaming mug of black coffee, get off our asses, sit up straight, and figure out what needs to happen next. Pitchers and catchers report in 16 days, and you call this a team? There are thousands of free agents still unsigned, there are trades to be made, there are minor-league cast-offs to steal.
Stop there for a second -- Ivan Ochoa signed with the Red Sox. Isn't that interesting? It means A) the Giants are content with Brian Bocock as starting SS in Fresno this year or B) there's a good chance Manny Burriss will spend time there as SS, making Ochoa superfluous, or C) Ochoa didn't want to be with the Giants anymore and told 'em to bugger off, or D) something else that I haven't thought of. (Whenever in doubt, go with D.)
But back to my original line of inquiry. What do the Giants need to do between now and Feb. 14?
1) Drive up Manny Ramirez's price and break Ned Colletti's budget. Tell Ken Rosenthal anonymously "He wouldn't really be a great fit for this ballpark," then the next day tell Buster Olney anonymously, "It's intriguing, you can't just say never," then leak some possible contract details to Hank Schulman. If the Dodgers still refuse to sign Manny for 4 years, $80 million, jump in with an offer for one year, $15 million with a club option and lots of back massages.
2) Using sophisticated computer hackers from Silicon Valley, break into the Yankees Web site and create an "Aaron Rowand" page, with a Yankees hat photo-shopped onto his head. When it's discovered, say "Well, I guess he's a Yankee now" and fax the appropriate papers to league headquarters. When the Yankees protest, argue that their papers must have gotten lost in the big move this week. Blame Leonard "Len" Mascucci Jr.
3) Attend Joe Crede's Arizona workout. (Has it happened already?) Bring a Twister mat. Tell him, "Left foot on red, right hand on blue, other left foot on yellow." If he can't do it, don't sign him for more than $2 million.
4) Continue to pretend Jonathan Sanchez and Noah Lowry are competing for the fifth slot in the rotation. I'll let OGC explain:
I believe that the competition between Sanchez and Lowry is mainly manufactured to 1) give Sanchez competition so that he doesn't mail it in during spring training and 2) give Lowry further incentive to do well and prove that he's back in spring training [...] plus to show respect for what he had done previously as a starter for us. I believe that Sanchez should win the "competition," thus allowing Lowry to sit in the bullpen and work his way back to the rotation.5) Find another intriguing minor-league castoff. Josh Phelps has provided countless hours of debate. Should he earn a roster spot? Can he platoon? Will he instantly be the Giants' best power hitter? Why the hell would a million other teams pass on him -- especially AL teams that could use him as a DH -- if he were so damn promising? It's one more thing to look forward to in spring training, and we need more of it.
6) Ban military-jet flyovers for all games except 4th of July. They scare seagulls and small children and waste precious fuel.
7) Contact me to throw out the first pitch opening day. I'll do it for free, and free is nothing to sneeze at these days. It's also safe: I actually know how to throw a ball over the plate from 60 feet away. None of these embarrassing 25-foot lemons from local politicians or leftover Grateful Dead members.
That should keep Sabean & Co. busy for a while.
