If I had mad Photoshop skillz, or if I had mad Photoshop at all, I would find a picture of a ragged orphan child begging on a street corner with a tin cup. Then I would seamlessly meld the cherubic face of Giants pitcher Matt Cain into the child's face. Then I would put the number 18 on the back of the child's greasy torn frock. Perhaps I would add a filthy, stinking rosin bag drooping over the rim of the child's cup like a half-eaten burrito a passerby gave him out of pity. Perhaps that would be overkill.
For the coup de grace I would add the following caption: "Just four runs a game will keep this pitcher sane. That's all we ask."
Please, Giants hitters, for Matt's sake, for our sake, for everyone who thinks Matt Cain is a mediocre pitcher because of his terrible win-loss record, would you score some runs for him tonight? And please, God, or whoever runs the weather up there, could you keep the rain from falling until the game is official and the Giants are well ahead? That would be nice, too.
Hell, why stop now? Please Congress and President Obama, when you enact health care reform could you make subsidized monthly deep-tissue massage part of the mandatory national insurance coverage? OK thanks.
