Sports blogs the way they were meant to be

Sign In

I Have a Movie Idea

Vote 0 Votes

Dig it: After throwing their eighth straight complete game and going 1-7 in that stretch, the Giants' starting rotation sneaks into the clubhouse and replaces all bats except their own with molded plastic explosives. They figure at least they'll be able to watch their teammate "hitters" fail with spectacular results. The hitters who survive are allowed to stay with the team.

They then kidnap Bruce Bochy, steal his blank lineup cards, and write "A. Torres" at the top of each one for the rest of the season. Forgoing the ransom, they carve out Bochy's skull and put a lit candle inside. This becomes the pitchers' lucky mascot "Brucie." For the rest of the year, the pitchers fill out the lineups like this:

1) Torres
2) Lincecum
3) Sandoval
4) Cain
5) Affeldt
6) Huff
7) Zito
8) Sanchez
9) Schierholtz

On the last day of the year they put a helmet and a number "8 1/4" jersey on Brucie and send the batboy to the plate with him. The batboy puts Brucie in the right-handed batter's box, and he watches six pitches and draws a walk . The pitchers find this incredibly funny.

A few days after the Bochy kidnapping, the pitchers storm the office suites, glue huge tires to the side of Brian Sabean's head and kick them until he runs screaming into the fog. They install Dick Tidrow in Sabean's office on a throne of hammered silver and peacock feathers. They also move the left-field fence back fifty feet and hang a banner over the wall of Mays Field that says "It's PITCHING Inside."

Tim Lincecum ends the year with a .315 batting average and .290 slugging percentage, which breaks the laws of physics and math and generally blows everyone's mind.

The name of this film shall be:

1) Lord of the Fly Outs
2) Zitica! Zitica!
3) All's Wellemeyer That Ends Wellemeyer
4) Look Who's Pitching
5) The Cain Mutiny     

blog comments powered by Disqus



Header photo courtesy of Flickr user eviltomthai under a Creative Commons license.