To make sure you're all on your toes as we head into the Cactus League schedule -- first game is this Saturday -- I now must quiz you on all the exciting Giants-related activity since the 2011 season ended. Pencils ready?
1) The Giants established a "rainy-day fund" just in case...
a) They are in a position to acquire an elite difference-making player in a July trade, but the trade can only happen if it's literally raining in San Francisco. In July.
b) They need to pay for emergency clubhouse man-scaping, including but not limited to beardectomies.
c) New part-time coach Pat Burrell, after all that "down time" last summer, suddenly needs help this year with a few child support payments.
2) The Giants weren't able to bring back Carlos Beltran. Why?
a) Bruce Bochy was kind enough to give his jersey number to Beltran when he arrived via trade last summer, but he failed to present it on an embroidered pillow.
b) The Giants wanted Beltran to shift to left field. Where Beltran comes from, when you say a man is "shifting to left field," you better be ready to fight, if you know what I mean.
c) St. Louis: more eyebrow threading salons per capita than any other major US city.
3) Matt Cain isn't likely to give the Giants a "hometown discount" on a contract extension because...
a) He keeps a ninja on his household staff who silently kills every shithead who has ever said, "Show me a pitcher who loses 1-0 and I'll show you a loser." And ninjas are expensive.
b) Does MUNI give Matt Cain a hometown discount on his monthly Fast Pass? Well, then.
c) His home town is Germantown, Tennessee.
4) "Angel Pagan" is...
a) Aubrey Huff's favorite death-metal band.
b) The latest installment in the "Twilight" book and movie franchise.
c) The featured Wednesday night performer at the Lusty Lady.
5) If someone said, "I'm feeling really Melky right now," the proper reply from a savvy Giant fan would be...
a) "Are you having a breakout season as we speak?"
b) "Before that, you were feeling Dirty. In a couple weeks, you'll be back to your usual Freddy."
c) "Take two pitches and call me in the morning."
6) This winter, probable Opening Day shortstop Brandon Crawford got married in Hawaii but honeymooned in...
a) Fresno
b) Jamaica
c) Belanger
7) Over the winter the team announced this important home-game promotion:
a) When the Giants come to bat against Clayton Kershaw, the game shifts to the Little Giants mini-diamond beyond the left-field bleachers. Here, Darren Ford (before his release) demonstrates:
b) Certain ticket packages are now called the Aubrey Huff Totally Ripped Six Pack.
c) The 1000th person to paddle a kayak into McCovey Cove during a game will be greeted by Jon Miller, doing his "Vin Scully on nitrous oxide" impression, waving a Farmer John breakfast sausage and shouting "I like the cut of your jib, sailor!"
1) The Giants established a "rainy-day fund" just in case...
a) They are in a position to acquire an elite difference-making player in a July trade, but the trade can only happen if it's literally raining in San Francisco. In July.
b) They need to pay for emergency clubhouse man-scaping, including but not limited to beardectomies.
c) New part-time coach Pat Burrell, after all that "down time" last summer, suddenly needs help this year with a few child support payments.
2) The Giants weren't able to bring back Carlos Beltran. Why?
a) Bruce Bochy was kind enough to give his jersey number to Beltran when he arrived via trade last summer, but he failed to present it on an embroidered pillow.
b) The Giants wanted Beltran to shift to left field. Where Beltran comes from, when you say a man is "shifting to left field," you better be ready to fight, if you know what I mean.
c) St. Louis: more eyebrow threading salons per capita than any other major US city.
3) Matt Cain isn't likely to give the Giants a "hometown discount" on a contract extension because...
a) He keeps a ninja on his household staff who silently kills every shithead who has ever said, "Show me a pitcher who loses 1-0 and I'll show you a loser." And ninjas are expensive.
b) Does MUNI give Matt Cain a hometown discount on his monthly Fast Pass? Well, then.
c) His home town is Germantown, Tennessee.
4) "Angel Pagan" is...
a) Aubrey Huff's favorite death-metal band.
b) The latest installment in the "Twilight" book and movie franchise.
c) The featured Wednesday night performer at the Lusty Lady.
5) If someone said, "I'm feeling really Melky right now," the proper reply from a savvy Giant fan would be...
a) "Are you having a breakout season as we speak?"
b) "Before that, you were feeling Dirty. In a couple weeks, you'll be back to your usual Freddy."
c) "Take two pitches and call me in the morning."
6) This winter, probable Opening Day shortstop Brandon Crawford got married in Hawaii but honeymooned in...
a) Fresno
b) Jamaica
c) Belanger
7) Over the winter the team announced this important home-game promotion:
a) When the Giants come to bat against Clayton Kershaw, the game shifts to the Little Giants mini-diamond beyond the left-field bleachers. Here, Darren Ford (before his release) demonstrates:
b) Certain ticket packages are now called the Aubrey Huff Totally Ripped Six Pack.
c) The 1000th person to paddle a kayak into McCovey Cove during a game will be greeted by Jon Miller, doing his "Vin Scully on nitrous oxide" impression, waving a Farmer John breakfast sausage and shouting "I like the cut of your jib, sailor!"
